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Saturday, May 29, 2004

Insomnia

Okay, I can't sleep - I can't sleep because my eyes are heavy with tears, my nose is heavy with snot (nice image, huh?) and I'm on my own. I need to write this. It's not fluffy, pink, nice, or lighthearted, but it's the truth about me.

I went to a funeral today.

Last Friday my aunt died after a not-particularly-long but bravely-and-tirelessly-fought battle with breast cancer. About five years earlier, she had watched her sister (who was, incidentally, about five years her senior) go through the same thing.

Her sister was my mother.

My mother was 59 years old when she died. She has two grandchildren who she has never seen. She also never got to see her youngest daughter finally find a wonderful man who would make her happy.

My father died, of Hodgkins disease (another form of cancer), when I was three years old. I have no memory of him.

Have you ever noticed how I don't join in those "Parents, eh? Who'd 'ave 'em" type conversations which seem quite a regular occurrence in Blogland? Probably not... Well I guess this is why...

The other day, at work, my colleague (the one who calls me "Tarty Flarty") asked me where my parents lived. The phone rang at that point, so I answered it just a fraction more promptly than normal. By the time I'd dealt with the caller, my colleague had forgotten that she'd asked the question. I was relieved.

There are many people I consider to be close friends who don't know about this part of my life. The subject just hasn't arisen. If they ask the question, I'm not going to lie, but I don't proffer the information unprompted, because it makes people uncomfortable. It makes them say they're sorry, and gush. It kills any conversation.

Luckily, I am blessed with three elder siblings. I think that, if I ever do get married, it is they - all of them - who will walk me up the "aisle" (in whatever form that may take). Without them, I'm not sure I would have made it through the last few years...

I guess this wasn't the best weekend for the Big Fella to have gone away...


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